What I'm Watching: Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives: Season 4, Episode 1 "Now You Know" (C)

Too many secrets. Everyone desperately trying to keep their wig on, their fake baby untouched, their affair subtle, or their menapause secret becomes tacky almost immediately. Edie is clearly too creepy, Gabrielle too nonchalant about her infidelity and lack of love for her husband, and Bree is not nearly careful enough about concealing her non-pregnancy. Susan's plotline is purely uninteresting, as it was for a majority of the past two seasons. The rest runs the risk of becoming trite right away. Dana Delany is definitely an intruiging new character, and the whole thing with her daughter is cool. I wish that Nathan Fillion had a bit more of the geekish energy he had in "Waitress" and I believe in "Firefly" (which I have yet to watch). Anyway, we are in for what may be a repeat of season two where the show took a huge dive in quality.

Pilot Review: Moonlight

Moonlight (CBS)
Premiered September 27 at 9pm

So this show is about vampires, which is, granted, not a subject that interests me in any way. I was, however, completely unprepared for the truly awful dialogue delivered uniformly terribly by all involved. I expected better from Alex O'Loughlin, fresh off a stellar arc on "The Shield" (this episode also features another former Strike Team member, Brian J. White, in an unfortunately bland role as a cop). It is mostly the part to blame, but O'Loughlin could try a little harder to enhance his character. Sophia Myles, as a bug-eyed reporter, is just so inappropriately enthusiastic at all the wrong points and bland at all the rest. I have to admit that there is no way I am buying Logan from "Veronica Mars" as the oldest vampire. Guest spots from Rudolf Martin ("24", "NCIS") and Kevin Weisman (Marshall from "Alias") are missing the spark found in both performers' past parts. The end reveal of the show is desperately predictable from only a few minutes in. This show seems to be trying to be an amalgam of "The Inside" and "Night Stalker" (both decent but short-lived shows), but it fails miserably at achieving anywhere near the quality of either.

How will it work as a series? Well, the preview seems to indicate a vampiric romance between the two leads, which I suppose could be interesting for half a second. Is every case going to be a vampire-related one? That could be just a bit hard to sustain.
How long will it last? Nestled in between "Ghost Whisperer" and "Numb3rs" is definitely the safest place for this one, but barring a ratings report, I think this show should be quick to exit. Which is of course amazing news because that means "Jericho" can premiere in this time slot, hopefully as early as November!

Pilot grade: F

Pilot Review: Big Shots

Big Shots (ABC)
Premiered September 27 at 10pm

That oft-played line from the preview keeps running through my head: "Men, we're the new women." That one saying truly describes the show. To me, that is puzzling, since I just cannot figure out who the target audience is supposed to be here. If it is trying to be like a male "Desperate Housewives", it has neither enough intrigue nor enough sympathetic women. If it is trying to be like an older "Entourage", the men are just too feminine and obnoxious. The plotlines are not interesting and the show is just really not trying at all. I have no experience with Christopher Titus, but former great actors Joshua Malina, Michael Vartan, and Dylan McDermott (see early seasons of "The West Wing", "Alias", and "The Practice", respectively) are just bland here. I cannot imagine anyone will find this show entertaining enough to start a devoted fellowing.

How will it work as a series? It should be the same thing over and over. This is one of those pilots which is probably extremely indicative of the series and not a standout first episode.
How long will it last? Not very long, I think. ABC should have some great hits with its Wednesday night offerings and some bombs on Tuesday night, so will it keep this Thursday offering? I think both "Without a Trace" and "ER" will eclipse it before it finishes it out its first thirteen episodes.

Pilot grade: D

What I'm Watching: The Office (Season Premiere)

The Office: Season 4, Episode 1 "Fun Run" (B+)

This is a fantastic way to introduce us back to all our favorite characters. Michael's hatred for Toby, the impossible affair between Dwight and Angela, Stanley thinking he is ridiculously clever, Jan being crazy, and the great relationship between Jim and Pam. Ryan with a beard sitting over at corporate is funny just because he is relaxing and has no idea what to do. I love Creed beyond what words can say, and I am really hoping he is in the show a lot. "Lost" should really take a cue from this show - nearly every episode utilizes every one of its unmatchable cast members to great effect, and never skips a beat because of it.

What I'm Watching: Smallville (Season Premiere)

Smallville: Season 7, Episode 1 "Bizarro" (C)

It is not all bad, that is the most important part. Some new official cast members (Aaron Ashmore as Jimmy Olsen and the questionable Laura Vandervoort as Supergirl) and the exit of one cast member who got really annoying (Annette O'Toole as Martha Kent) could help spice this show up. In today's world of TV, getting your name in the opening credits is a huge deal, which means that both Jimmy and Supergirl should have some big, important plotlines which should be nice. Bringing Chloe back to life, on the other hand, seems unnecessary as she had to start talking again with her far too intelligent and supposedly witty comments the moment she was revived. Bizarro seems rid of a bit too easily, but I will not complain since Tom Welling playing Bad Clark is one of my least favorite parts of the show. And oh how I wish that Lana was not just living in China with the most fake wig ever - that is just so boring and far too clever for the naive young Smallvillian to scheme up.

Pilot Review: Dirty Sexy Money

Dirty Sexy Money (ABC)
Premiered September 26 at 10pm

If nothing else, this show is a lot of fun. Every single one of the Darlings is so absurd that the craziness of their characters almost makes up for the impossibility of their existence. The attorney general who has common affairs with transvestites, the heiress who tells her groom-to-be intimate stories about her previous lovers in front of both men, and the angry hothead who somehow became a member of the clergy are just a few of the ridiculous family members. This also has got to be the least look-alike family I have ever seen. Donald Sutherland is in a far better role here as the Darling patriarch than the one he had in "Commander-in-Chief" two years ago. Grounding all the insanity is the always great Peter Krause as the dependable but wary family lawyer. It a mixed blessing to see Krause here, because, like all the other "Six Feet Under" cast members working on other shows right now, it seems highly unlikely that he will ever be able to find a show or role as good as the one he previously had (exception: Michael C. Hall on "Dexter"). This show definitely needs some work, and it may just become too ridiculous for its own good. I could go for another installment, though this vigilante hunt for his father's killer is certainly not helping matters.

How will it work as a series? It runs the risk of mocking itself too overtly, but I think it will be popular enough.
How long will it last? I do not know about ratings, but given the buzz and high anticipation of the show, I assume it should be a smash hit. It may wear itself too thin by the end of the season. Additionally, "Commander-in-Chief" debuted to incredible numbers and got cancelled before the end of its season two years ago, so it is a bit early to tell.

Pilot grade: B-

Pilot Review: Private Practice

Private Practice (ABC)
Premiered September 26 at 9pm

I was one of the few who got really excited about this show way back when the special "Grey's Anatomy" episode aired earlier this year. I was fairly let down by this premiere. Addison is feeling all out of place and that things are sort of not in place, but it seems like this show is more or less trying to find itself. The pilot does not feel solid, which is especially disappointing considering they already had a two-hour run at this back in May. The characters played by Paul Adelstein and Amy Brenneman seem generally useless, mostly sleeping around and crying all the time, respectively. I am greatly mourning the loss of Merrin Dungey, who has now been replaced by the far less charismatic and far less likeable Audra McDonald. At least Tim Daly and Taye Diggs are having loads of fun. The show flip-flops between joking comedy and severe drama with the greatest freedom, even more so than "Grey's Anatomy." My biggest problem with the show has to be Kate Walsh, who is simply annoying as the overbearing and eternally shushing Addison.

How will it work as a series? It is basically another "Grey's Anatomy" with a slightly less sex-addicted cast. It should do fine; I am just not sure I will be tuning in each week.
How long will it last? It should be good for at least the season, probably a renewal.

Pilot grade: C+

Pilot Review: Bionic Woman

Bionic Woman (NBC)
Premiered September 26 at 9pm

This show, like NBC’s other new sci-fi offering “Journeyman,” follows a certain style of development which we can call the “Daybreak” method. So many characters and plot points are thrown out on the table with the footnote that everything will be explained later. There is hardly any exposition, and by the time we get some answers, everything will have become far too convoluted to make any sense. In true “Daybreak” fashion, there is a highly evil and powerful Big Brother organization orchestrating some grand plan to turn the Bionic Woman into their own programmed soldier. The immediate introduction of Sarah Corvus, the original Bionic Woman, seems out of place and just unneeded. I never watched the original show, but it really changes my concept of how Jamie develops into this character. Rooftop fights in the rain can only remain interesting for so long. Whether Michelle Ryan is up to the role remains to be seen, since I do not think this episode is a proper measure of her talents. What I do know is that this show really keeps it in the family, using three actors from “Battlestar Galactica” (Katee Sackhoff, Aaron Douglas, and recent guest star Mark Sheppard) as well as two cast members from the recent FX show “Thief” (Will Yun Lee, and recently recast Mae Whitman, who initially played Jamie’s sister). Bringing together all these great actors hardly helps a show with poor writing and a very muted emphasis on plot.

How will it work as a series? Cult fans could help it, and NBC seems pretty set on it with the “Bionic Wednesday” promos, but it really runs the risk of running itself into the ground with all the convoluted plot points and undeveloped characters.
How long will it last? NBC has a tradition of helping popular but ratings-starved shows make it to a second season (The Office, 30 Rock, Friday Night Lights), but its placement opposite ABC’s “Private Practice” will not help much, especially if “Grey’s Anatomy” occasionally beat the more widely likeable “CSI” in viewers. I think initial ratings may give it a full season, but I doubt more than that.

Pilot grade: D+

Pilot Review: Cane

Cane (CBS)
Premiered September 25 at 10pm

Jimmy Smits is really good at playing really good guys, like his recent role on "The West Wing" as eternally honest president-elect Matt Santos. To me, he just does not work as an agressive, powerful boss who organizes hits and protects his family against any enemies with vicious force. Smits' character, Alex, is a huge portion of the show, which is why I place such emphasis on his casting. Supporting players Nestor Carbonell and Hector Elizondo both had far more energy on another short-lived Tuesday night CBS drama, 2004's "Century City." The plot, with keywords sugar and Cuban stressed as often as possible, is decent but too entrancing. It is the same old story set in a different city, and I am not sure how easy that will be to sustain. The relationsihp between Alex and Frank could get old very quickly. I do like the cultural music, but I am not sure how approved the use of Frou Frou. And I have to say, I am not so scared of the Samuels patriarch as I am of being caught in the sightline of Polly Walker's piercing eyes.

How will it work as a series? This kind of thing has been done before, and Jimmy Smits is popular, so that only helps despite his questionable casting.
How long will it last? I have written about this time slot many times. Good news for the show, however, since it premiered to the highest numbers since the debut of "Judging Amy", which lived out a more than healthy six years in this time slot. I still think it will be off the air before the end of the season.

Pilot grade: C

What I'm Watching: Damages

Damages: Season 1, Episode 9 "Do You Regret What We Did?" (C-)

Man, that hospital stalker girl is really pretty psychotic. I would say I love it when Ellen tries to get all powerful and serious if it did not make me cringe so much. At least she has enough common sense to get in a car with a stranger sitting creepily outside her home. Frobisher singing was just plain not needed. That George Moore guy is straddling the lines of good guy/bad guy far too easily, and that whole idea should soon get lost in the muddled confusion it has created. The re-introduction of Katie is not something I am happy about. Future report: Is Patty responsible for killing Lame Boyfriend? And if so, why is she crying so much about it? Probably because the camera was shaking too much while going in for a closeup.

What I'm Watching: NCIS (Season Premiere)

NCIS: Season 5, Episode 1 "Bury Your Dead" (C-)

This episode marks a point in the show where I start to realize that what I used to really enjoy about the series now seems trite and annoying. That happened with "Will & Grace", "The Practice", and others. I hope that this will not be true for "NCIS", but I just cannot imagine enjoying it anymore. I remember the fantastic season 3 premiere following Kate's death where everyone was so broken up. Now after Tony's supposed death everyone cracks jokes and steals his stapler, pausing only to react in slow-motion at the crime scene? Quite a memorial to the best character on the show. I am happy that this whole convoluted La Grenouille business is all done with, and it is interesting that Tony was undercover the whole time with Jean. Melodramatic off-color flashbacks are not one of my favorite things, and I do not feel they really executed it terribly well. I really do hope this show will regain its momentum and quality.

Commercials note: Who thought that "Party Like a Rock Star" was a good theme for "CSI: New York"? Seems a bit odd to me.

What I'm Watching: Weeds

Weeds: Season 3, Episode 7 "He Taught Me How To Drive By" (B+)

I have been keeping up with this show, but not with ample time to review each episode. I managed to get ahold of this installment in time this week, however, and will therefore offer up my thoughts. I am truly enjoying this season of "Weeds", which has realized that its storylines are more than often a bit far-fetched, and having fully embraced that fact, is succeeding with flying colors at being fantastically entertaining and enjoyable. Mary-Louise Parker, for one, is having a great time and doing a terrific job as Nancy, whose reactions to most of U-Turn and Marvin's comments are priceless. I am impressed with how the U-Turn saga was concluded, since that could really have dragged on too much, but now it should be a great direction for the show. I absolutely love Shane falling for the girl, then getting her stolen by Isabelle, a more severe case because she "thinks she might be a homosexual." The music in this show is so great. Too bad that Peter actually is dead, I was hoping he was secretly on the run or something. At least we still have the great Matthew Modine as Nancy's new beau. Nancy's comment at the end is quite funny and so true: "I have to warn you, the last two men I slept with ended up dead."

What I'm Watching: Heroes (Season Premiere)

Heroes: Season 2, Episode 1 “Four Months Later” (C-)

To me, there has always been something missing from this show. Perhaps it is that the suspension of disbelief is just too necessary, that even the non-superpower elements of the show seem improbable and unrealistic. The “Company” is far too omnipresent, and has eyes everywhere to know that newly instated Detective Parkman and superscientist Suresh are raising Molly. HRG still works at a paper company? What a cover! Claire moved to a new town but did not change her name? The whole cheerleading drama is just unnecessary – this is not “Mean Girls.” Interesting but also improbable that her new flirting partner is himself a Genuine Superhero. On to other things…I thought Nathan won some big election? Now he just has a huge beard and looks really freaky in the mirror? What is Hiro doing way back in time chilling with Sark from “Alias”? And a dual-personality killer worse than Nikki trying to reach the United States? The only thing that really got me hooked was Peter’s mysterious appearance in Ireland of all places.

Note to NBC: keep the previews generally spoiler-free. Do not show us that characters who are supposed to be dead are actually alive.

Pilot Review: The Big Bang Theory

The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
Premiered September 24, 2007

Any show that manages to knock both blogs and “Battlestar Galactica” in its first ten minutes has already earned my contempt. Fortunately for my objectiveness, that is not all that is bad about this show. Every one of the characters is so blissfully unaware of just how unintelligent they really are. Sure, the geeks have high IQs, but their actions are just too dumb. They insert non-germane scientific words and facts into their everyday sentences just to remind us that these guys are in fact nerds. The pretty blonde next-door neighbor is just too truthfully dumb to be sympathetic. USA Today raved that Jim Parsons, portraying Sheldon, is a breakout star stuck in a poor show. I do not think his character is too difficult to portray, but I suppose he does a fine job. Honestly, though, there just is not anything funny here, just an obnoxiously heavy amount of awkwardness.

How will it work as a series? Think of it as a mystery: how nerdy can these guys be? Another mystery: will anyone tune back in after watching one episode?
How long will it last? CBS gave “Out of Practice” a full season, “Rules of Engagement” a second season, and “The New Adventures of Old Christine” an Emmy. A Monday night launch on CBS is a good thing, but I do not that can save this pitiful show, which should fall off the schedule within a few weeks.

Pilot grade: F

What I'm Watching: Prison Break

Prison Break: Season 3, Episode 2 “Fire/Water” (C-)

This is like “Prison Break: Lightning Round.” How fast can Michael break out of prison? The sped-up version of the first season is far less interesting and often too dark to be entertaining. The alliances and such formed at Sona make little sense, and I was quite confused about how Michael let Mahone go and then how the Mayor let the wanted man live. How does the Mayor have a phone? Worse, however, than the prison happenings, is what is going on outside the prison walls. Why doesn’t Sucre just have his beloved fiancée just hop on down to Panama to come see him? Sure, it might be a little complicated, but at least give it a shot. And these really must be the dumbest criminals ever who point guns in people’s faces while orchestrating a massive secret plan that depends upon the messenger skills of the guy whose face the gun is in. Well, at least Lincoln thought enough to make a fake bird book. Yeah, that is likely.